Thursday 18 April 2013

10 things I have discovered whilst travelling in South America

1)      Friendly Colombians – As a rule, Colombians have been the friendliest bunch and Argentineans the most likely to give you the cold shoulder. Probably to do with a small war in the 1980’s and a certain ‘hand of god’?

2)      Dog is not man’s best friend – They bark at you, growl at you, chase you and if they take a particular shine to you, urinate on your tent! No I do not like the dogs in South America.

3)      Bathroom design – The concept of the plug does not exist here. If you want to block the sink hole I think you are meant to use your underpants?

4)      Timekeeping cockerels – Can someone please teach cockerels to tell the time! It is not hard on the equator; the sun rises at 06:00 and sets at 18:00. It does not rise at half past two in the morning!

5)      Truckers – Assuming you have a penis, if you are ever out of work, come to South America and become a truck driver (I am yet to see a female truck driver, or even one in drag). There are trucks absolutely everywhere! Basically because the Spanish colonised South America there are no railways and therefore everything has to go by road. To qualify you have to be able to drive like an idiot, not look after your truck and drive everywhere shirtless (which is probably why there are no female truck drivers?).

6)      Crazy cost of living – You know something is wrong when beer is cheaper than chocolate milk (Brazil), petrol cheaper than water (Venezuela) and a packet of fig rolls cost about £8 (to be fair they were Lyons Fig Rolls all the way from Blighty).

7)      Make your mind up Argentina – You expect electricity plug designs to change country by country, but not to have a random selection of three different designs. Choose one plug design and stick to it Argentina!

8)      What no breakfast or towel – Who decided that when you stay in a hotel in Venezuela you are not provided with either a towel or breakfast? No cable TV or tea & coffee making facilities, OK, but can I please have a clean towel!

9)      Where are all the Norwich City fans? – Fake Chelsea, Manchester United and Arsenal everywhere, but I have not spotted one fake Norwich City top. Football mad and they love a bit of yellow and green in Brazil, surely an untapped market for the mighty Canaries?
10)  Comedy Spanglish – Google translate you have a lot to answer for! Why pay to have your Spanish leaflet translated when you can simply punch it into Google translate. It is English Jim, but not as we know it!


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